Why there are conflicts due to sex and how to deal with them
Closer relationships based on sex are most often started by those who are already in a relationship for more than a month. At first, there is usually no time to notice shortcomings, since hormones and emotions completely turn off critical thinking, and the desire to like makes us willingly sacrifice our desires and habits for a new partner. But then the problems begin to accumulate, and ignored, sooner or later they threaten to escalate into conflict. However, a reason for a quarrel may appear at the very beginning of the relationship.
Starting a relationship, we want the partner to understand us in everything, anticipating our erotic desires, having sex then and the way we want. But relationships in real life are often a mismatch of desires and opportunities, leading to awkward situations, misunderstandings, grievances and complaints. Conflict in itself is not always bad. It can be used to discuss the position of each side, look at the situation from a different angle, translating it into a constructive channel as an occasion for a new stage in the development of sexual relations. It’s bad if the growing discontent is masked by any reasons, but not true: instead of talking directly about sex, you will begin to reproach the partner for frequent gatherings with friends.
What are some conflicts about sex?
There may be plenty of reasons for quarrels in sex, but still the main reasons, even at the very beginning of the relationship, most often look like this:
– Mismatch of temperaments and type of sexual constitution. One partner needs sex twice a day. Two times a month is enough for another . Conflict is inevitable and practically insoluble, especially if a more temperamental partner remains faithful to another . The remaining “discrepancies”, for example, when a woman has sex only in the evening, and a man only in the morning, someone needs a missionary bedtime and someone else prefers to use all surfaces and poses not only in the apartment, are quite discussed and compromise.
– Mismatch of boundaries acceptable . If at the beginning of the relationship you don’t find out what is acceptable and what is unacceptable not only for the couple, but for each of you, then a conflict will inevitably happen: oral or anal sex is unacceptable for you, and the partner loves to attend closed sex parties. The same applies to the use of sex toys, various sex practices and even contraceptives. If you don’t talk about all the aspects from the very beginning, including understanding what is normal for each of you, then in the process of relations situations are possible where, for example, it may turn out that it is permissible for your partner to have sex at the same time with you. For you, this is treason, but for him – an open relationship. But when you are ready to try something new, without breaking your own borders, and the partner is also ready to go towards you – the conflict will be settled. If a compromise is impossible due to value reasons, the situation is practically insoluble.
– Ignoring a partner of your needs. If your partner is not worried about your orgasm, but only your own, if he thinks that the prelude is a waste of time, if instead of focusing on the safety of sex and the use of contraceptives, only his feelings are at the forefront, if only rough sex is acceptable to him and only those the poses that he considers correct, and he answers all your requests with an ignorer or with the phrase “yes lan, what is it,” then …. Excuse me, but what did you even find in it?
– Misunderstanding of the roles in the pair . If in a couple you are not lovers, a husband and wife, but a custody mother with an eternal son, a naive girl with a strict daddy, an older sister or an understanding friend, your relationship will lose sharpness, passion, and flirt. It will be anything: moral support, care, guardianship, indulgence of weaknesses, but not sex. Someone in a pair eventually wants to find him in another place and with another partner.
– Lack of desire . This situation, which can develop into a conflict, is especially relevant for couples living together for a long time. Sex becomes monotonous, boring or even goes on there. If such a condition suits both partners … well, I’m sorry. But sex is one of the main aspects of relationships, this is why we become as close as possible to each other. And to ignore it is only due to medical reasons. Lack of desire may appear in partners in the postpartum phase. And not always here the initiator is a woman, fundamentally ignoring intimacy with a man after childbirth. It also happens that a man perceives a woman only as the mother of his child, but not as a sexual partner. Both situations are unacceptable: a family is not only parents and children, but also a man and woman who have sex.
How to resolve conflicts and what mistakes should be avoided
All conflicts on the basis of sex are resolved in only one way – a gentle dialogue. Each other’s wishes are taken into account, an optimal schedule for sex is found, partners help each other reduce stress factors.
If we are talking about different needs in sex, we can discuss alternative ways of sexual satisfaction, for example, the use of a masturbator or other sex toys , erotic massage. Turn on fantasy, visit the adult store. Only discussion of problems, and not their silence, can save the relationship. But the main thing in the process of discussion is to observe the rules for resolving such conflicts.
The right place and time . It is inappropriate to talk about problems in sex during sex or immediately after it, with strangers, by phone, immediately after work, during meals, if you are busy. Ideally, when you are both free from all business, in a good mood, well-fed and disposed to conversation.
Plus, minus, plus . A conversation should not be based on claims, accusations, manipulations, references to someone’s opinion and ultimatums. It is unacceptable when the dialogue uses the phrases “you do everything wrong”, “I constantly pretend to orgasm with you”, “you do not excite me”, “you do not know how to do blowjob”, “you are frigid” and so on. Start with the good , praise what you like, indicate what you would like to change, and then add something nice.
Listen to the answer . Very often, a conflict can be settled if the cause of its occurrence is a misunderstanding. You may think that the partner is cold, and he has health problems or at work. He is sure that you like it quickly, and you want your partner to take the time to foreplay. Find a compromise, go towards each other. Not only one of you should agree to make concessions, but both, and within reason. If it seems to you that both of you cannot reach a compromise, then why not turn to a third party – a sexologist who will help resolve your contradictions?
Remember that conflicts are a stage that involves many couples, but it can be overcome. Do not be afraid of conflicts, but learn to solve them: even the most difficult and uncomfortable situation, if discussed, can become an impetus for the development of your relationship and the search for new prospects.